Ephriam exhaled slowly as he tapped on the entry request emblem of Counsellor Gray’s office. The computer had confirmed a mutual appointment time that worked the very next day. The lengthy conversation with his parents the evening prior was still fresh in his mind, as was the visceral feeling of loss he felt about his mentor and trusted friend Commander Farek. 

He was not consciously nervous about this session and had the emotional intelligence to understand that talking through trauma was not something to be embarrassed about. Empriam remembered well when the ban on synthetics came into effect, his father’s background as a scientist, that his parents had consulted therapy in their decision to leave starfleet. He had this modelled well for him in his upbringing but it didn’t negate the fact that he felt slightly apprehensive about exploring his feelings any more in depth about his loss.

Counsellor Gray also felt a little apprehensive as her first appointment aboard Hathaway drew near. She had plenty of confidence in her own abilities but establishing herself in a new crew was always going to be a significant experience. Most of all she hoped she could help. Given her years of experience she found that likely, but one never knew what one may be faced with in a counselling session. She had to think fast sometimes and choose her words well. She studied Lieutenant Adrasin’s file on the terminal at her desk.

“Come,” Squidge said simply after the chime sounded.

After he heard the okay to enter the space, Ephriam walked through the doors with as much confidence as he could muster at that moment. “Commander Gray. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.” He offered her a genuine smile and grateful expression.

“Happy to be of some help, Lieutenant, please come in and make yourself comfortable.” Squidge rose from her desk with a warm and genuine smile and moved further forward in the space. The initial area of the Counselling suite was a conversation space, a comfortable looking couch and two chairs with a coffee table in the middle, set at slight angles so as not to be directly opposite anyone. It was decorated more intentionally than a lot of ship’s spaces, with plants, warm throws, textured pillows all in neutral tones. It was, Squidge hoped, quite inviting and unimposing. Beyond this and facing the conversation space was the desk where she read and filed her reports.

“Feel free to call me Squidge, most people do. Or Counsellor. Can I replicate you a drink?”

“Coffee… black. Thank you, Counsellor. ” Ephriam’s response was immediate but he quickly wondered if that was what he should be drinking in such a session. It was irrational to think that the counsellor would psychoanalyze his choice of beverage, he knew this but part of him wondered so anyway. The room seemed to give off a relaxed vibe and as he looked slowly around the room, he admired the decor. “Nice place. Did you get to furnish it yourself, or did it come standard off the fleet line?” he sat down and made himself at home on the couch, it was what gravitated towards him the most. His posture was still slightly stiff and both his arms rested somewhat awkwardly on his thighs, they moved back and forth slightly in a calming motion.  

“Thanks!” The Counsellor programmed the replicator by hand so that she could continue conversing with Ephriam. “The bones are fleet standard but a textured cushion here, a throw there, a judiciously placed plant and it’s much less utilitarian.” She placed the coffee requested in front of Ephriam carefully and a glass of water for herself in front of one of the chairs which she took, crossing one leg over the other and placing her palms in her lap in a open gesture. Ephriam’s stiffness was noted but not surprising to the Veteran Counsellor. Seeing a Counsellor was stressful.

“So how long have you been aboard?” She asked Casually.

“To be honest, it seems longer than it has been. I joined the crew just before we had our troubles in the Deneb Sector. I’m trying to maintain that I wasn’t the bringer of bad luck which saw us engage in so much combat. Not that I’m overly superstitious, but I did break a mirror just before arriving on Hathaway.” Ephriam took a few sips of his coffee. “Don’t get me wrong, Counsellor. I’m very grateful to be here. It’s just been a lot and this is my first posting somewhere as chief of science. A lot has happened in such a short period. So much,” he sighed in relief, an acknowledgement that his own words seemed to validate what he had been feeling. Squidge listened quietly.

“You’re free to talk about any of it,” she told him after he arrived at this first juncture. “There’s no real psychoanalysis going on here, definitely no blame. This is not an evaluation so you we can work through whatever you want. I’m here to help, if i can, not to make reports and pick you apart.”

Squidge was already forming some ideas of how she could begin to help, but at the same time she didn’t want to interject. When people had things to get off their chest, interruption was the worst offense. She let Ephriam dictate the format of the conversation.

“Truthfully. I thought I was doing okay but I’m not as focused as I usually am nor am I using my time wisely at the moment either. This chief of science gig is a lot of work and on top of that, I’ve a large commitment outside of working hours too. Normally I thrive on that. That is exactly what I live for. I love being productive and swamped….” Ephriam continued for a few moments and finally paused to take another sip of his coffee while catching his breath. Squidge nodded occasionally as she listened.

“I just haven’t been the same since Commander Fasek died…” He finally said it to the Counsellor, the real reason he was sitting across from her now. Squidge rubbed the area under her mouth with a thumb and forefinger.

“Uff, that’s hard,” she said, trying to use the correct language. She didn’t want to speak in cliches, be condescending or say something that would accidentally diminish what Ephriam was going through and yet remain empathetic. “That must be difficult, but I’m just guessing here, I didn’t know him. Tell me a little about him.”

“He was my mentor and my friend… my closest friend. I trusted no one more in my life than him, other than my parents of course. I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. And he’s gone and I just… I don’t feel right without him… Like a piece of me is missing.” Ephriam sighed and leaned back, his eyes grew a bit watery and he closed them. “He was killed when Starbase One was attacked on Frontier Day,” he felt there was a need to quickly clarify that point.

“I’m sorry,” Squidge said quietly and genuinely. It was something she had had to say a lot recently, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t mean it. She leant forward slightly. Before she was sat back, in a receiving sort of pose. Psychologically speaking, now that she leant forward it was to prepare Ephriam for her to take the wheel for just a moment. A small thing, but a useful technique.

“Y’know, a piece of you is missing. It’ll take you some time to work through that, to find the new equilibrium, find how to settle in to the version of your life where he’s no longer present. It’s going to be different, it’s going to be new and the problem most of the time with loss of someone important is we don’t want things to be different, we don’t want things to be new.” Squidge thought back as she often did to the loss of her husband Harold during the Dominion War and how the equilibrium of her own life had changed so drastically. She had the opportunity of a fresh start but a lot of people in the fleet didn’t. It was amazing how a fresh start could help draw a line under something but to going back to the same life after a significant loss was often more difficult. “I know, because Starfleet gave me access to everything that’s ever been written about you since you joined, that you’re a very kind person. There’s an opportunity here for some kindness to yourself, throughout everything you’ve told me so far.” Squidge paused briefly, before breaking down her thoughts, her hands constantly moving to emphasise her points.

“Starfleet is a huge pressure-cooker of success. There’s expectation on all of us to perform, always. To be the best, to be the Picardian ideal of what it is to be a Starfleet Officer. Stand for excellence, stand for duty, stand for morality, and it’s a good aspiration! I’m going to get a tad psychoanalyse-y here so I apologise for that. You told me you are grateful to be here, but…” Squidge paused again before continuing in a softer tone. “To me that phrase says that you know you need to be the best, but at the moment you’re dealing with stuff, which you are and you might not be hitting that standard that we, or you expect of yourself. And yes, Starfleet expects a lot but we’re not machines. We’re not Commander Data. At least, I know I’m not!” This was said with a small smile. “Your dedication to your work and the fleet does you credit, but I would say, you have been through a lot. It’s okay to take the time now, back off the work a little and allow yourself the space to process everything that has happened and find the version of Ephriam that moves forward from here and be comfortable with what that looks like. I can guarantee there are a lot of people in the Federation doing just that at the moment. People won’t expect you to be perfect and on it every second of every day just now and if anyone does, send them to me and I’ll straighten them out. And, if I may, perhaps be kind to yourself and expect less of yourself. As for the mirror well, you’re the C.S.O. if luck even exists, and I think scientifically speaking there is certainly no proof of that… you didn’t bring any misfortune to the ship, and you know that.” This was spoken very kindly. “If we are attacked it’s those attackers who bring all the misfortune and all the problems. All you’re bringing is being a great Science Officer and a good person and the fact you and the ship are still here proves that. You like being swamped and productive? Fine! Be productive. Make the product spending the time, finding the version of you that goes forward from here to be the best and most effective version of you, who’s invested the time, examined, searched, wallowed, questioned, considered all aspects of what you’ve been through and has found how to move on and be, continue to be the kind of officer I’m going to bet your friend would want you to be.”

Squidge took a deep breath. “Okay, that was really long, sorry for that.” She leaned forward to take a sip of her water and set the glass back down to lean back in her chair again. “What… do you think?”

“He would want me to set my emotions aside and do what needs to be done.” Ephriam grinned. He took a few moments of silence to absorb much of what the Counselor had said to him. She was kind, generous and supportive in her statements. Large in part he felt as if everyone were just expected to carry on after so much destruction, as if what happened was something that just needed to be washed away. A part of him also realised that there was some projection involved in that view, as he could have always accessed the resources around him for help. Now was when he had moved forward with that. “He’s a Vulcan though. Easier for him to say,” he paused a moment again and reflected on how he just described Farek as still being here.

“Definitely,” Squidge agreed. “We might adjust that for a more human perspective and make sure we own, acknowledge and understand what we’re feeling right now.”

“I think the only one being truly hard on myself is me. I’m hard on myself on a good day in what I demand on my performance, even though I give the appearance to others that I’m quite relaxed about everything I have going on,” he said this and took another sip of his coffee. “I lost someone dear to me and it’s okay to not be okay with that. It’s okay to slow down some and be more forgiving of myself, right?” he looked up at Squidge and seemed to be desiring some validation for his statements, a confirmation that he did absorb many of the important parts that she had told him. Squidge nodded.

“Right. I know that I can say this to you because you’re an exceptional and dedicated officer who puts work at the forefront and that’s not a bad thing. I know that your duties will be taken care of no matter what. But you can take a step back if you need to to look after yourself, process what has happened and make sure that you’re good before moving on.” Squidge paused for a moment.

“Tell me,” she continued, “do you have anyone else in your life who knew Commander Fasek well? Or was it a you and him sort of tag-team situation?”

Ephriam pursed his lips in thought for a moment and seemed to drift away before he responded, “It was always just really the two of us. Farek was a very private man. Of course, there were respected colleagues but I guess we were a bit of a dynamic duo,” he had never really thought about that before and it made him wonder even more why he was the one that Farek had chosen after so many years to bond with beyond the professional identify they all held as starfleet officers. He had been only one student of hundreds if not thousands that Farek had taught at the Academy. 

Squidge smiled. “That must have been nice,” she said. “Having a friend and mentor like that. What was he like as a person? What made you value him as much as you did?”

Ephriam’s shoulders relaxed a bit more as he sat back further. He took another gulp of his coffee and pondered the question – flashes of memories flooded his mind as if a dam had opened its pressure-release valves. “Fasek was every bit a Vulcan as one would imagine. Smart, intelligent and logical. He was more than that though, he was kind and generous and so willing to share his knowledge and expertise. Of course, he could be just as impersonal at times but deep down inside you just knew he cared. I used to call him on that, you know? Poke him in the shoulder and shout you care, you really really do… That would at least get a raised eyebrow out of him.” Ephriam eyes began to slightly fill with water again as he described his friend and mentor. They were tears of mixed emotions. He didn’t fight them back this time but instead let them form. 

Squidge smiled at the description, she heard the warmth with which the Lieutenant described his friend. She nudged the tissue box closer to him.

“It’s going to hurt like this for some time isn’t it?” Ephriam looked at Squidge – he had not been accustomed to much personal loss in his life. His young age and lack of life experience in this example showed. He did feel better though, it had helped to get it in the open and articulate his feelings on the matter – his body and mind felt lighter and more at ease despite the tears in his eyes and the visceral sense of loss.

Squidge ran her tongue over her teeth under her lips nervously and, at length, took a deep breath. Laying down some truth in these circumstances was never easy, but she tried not to lead on her patients with any lies or tactics. If they were going to be truthful with her she needed to be truthful with them in return.

“Honestly, yes,” she returned. “And that’s not a bad thing, per-se. What you might well find is that it should get easier in time. The problem with that is you may realise that you don’t think about him as much and you might feel guilty, and if that happens for you there’s another opportunity there to be kind to yourself. Logically…” (and therefore probably Fasek would agree, Squidge hoped, but without putting words in his mouth) “…it isn’t good to dwell on the dead long-term. Remember them, yes, the lessons they taught us and with whatever fondness they earned in life, but try not to feel bad if after a while you start to find a way to move on and don’t think about him quite as much. For now though, I know it’s hard but giving yourself the opportunity and space to grieve properly, whatever that looks like, is important.” After a momentary pause, Squidge continued.

“I want you to try to think of one thing that you could change about your day-to-day to help you deal with what’s happened. It doesn’t have to be permanent, possibly something temporary, and it could be anything at all, having a drink to him every day after your shift, or making the time to finish something that you told him that you would and never got around to. Maybe it’s delegating a little bit more to give yourself some breathing space. Any thoughts?”

“Truthfully I am having lots of thoughts at the moment, but the prominent one is that I am just glad I finally came here and started talking some of this through,” Ephriam looked down for a moment, his facial expression a mixture of sad and content with some fluctuation, he stayed like this for a few more seconds before he looked back up at Squidge and emitted a content sigh. “It’s helped to just get some of this out. I’m sure you hear that a lot. It hurts but no less than keeping it bottled up inside. Thank you, Counselor.”

Squidge held her hands out and open and gave Ephriam a winning grin. That feeling of having assisted never got old.

“What I’m here for!” She exclaimed. “Always glad to be of help, and my door is always open. Now, I’m glad it’s helped to talk but I want you to come up with an action point and I’m going to be stubborn about it…”

Ephriam stared at Squidge blankly as he took another sip of his coffee, he answered with a bit of a softer tone, “I should have known I wasn’t getting out of here without something like that… Well, I think that’s going to take a bit more of a chat,” he took a more comfortable pose on his seat and prepared himself for a longer chat, determined to give himself and the Counselor what he needed.