Things had been busy around the Denver since the Xoval mission. It was a time of war however which made activity a necessity for a ship like the Denver.  The Nebula class had the dubious honor of being one of the most flexible mid range starships since Jonathan Archer was the president of the Federation. That was Ming’s professional opinion of course but he knew he wasn’t alone in this belief.  Others agreed.  Denver was the second Nebula class he served on and the years forged his high opinion of the class. 

He sighed as he made his way through the corridors of the USS Denver. War. William Tecumsa Sherman was right.  He once said, “There is many a boy here to-day who looks on war as all glory, but, boys, it is all hell.” 

The man knew his stuff Ming thought.  He wrote a major report on General Sherman for one of his classes to earn his minor during his final year at Starfleet Academy so he was well aware. Ming experienced it first hand.   

Ming stopped at the door of the office belonging to LT Emimi Qetax.  Her schedule had been reported by the computer as clear and he hoped it wasn’t wrong.  After taking a deep breath he activated the door chime. 

The Joined Trill was not sure if indigestion was part of the joining process. No, it was not really. Not in her memories of her past joinings, but she had it. Maybe, and more likely it had been lunch. She was dealing with that trying to cure it with tablets as opposed to a trip to sickbay, when her bell rang. Standing from her desk the said, “Open.”

Seeing Lieutenant Marcus Ming she smiled, “Hello, how may I help you?”

Marcus smiled and nodded, “I hope I am not interrupting.  The computer said you had some open time and I had hoped we could talk for a little while.  In an official capacity I mean.” 

The Councselor nodded, “Of course, I did not expect you meant otherwise.”

She set the tablet down on her desk and stood to properly welcome him into the office. The joined trill gestured to both a couch and a chair so that he could get comfortable however he felt most… well comfortable. A couch was often a little too much for patients at first, who associated it with intensive therapy.

”What did you want to talk about today?” Qetax asked.

Ming took a seat on the couch not even giving it a second thought.  He nodded gratefully to the Trill as he settled in with a look of intense thought in and around his eyes especially.  He said. “Well, the war.  Anyone who said it’s been easy is either a member of a warrior culture, a liar or else I’d have serious reservations about them.  I’d thought I had been managing it well.  Maybe I had been.  Until the Battle of Betazed. Since then I’ve been feeling like my emotional stability if not my sanity has been dancing on a razors edge. I’ve had doubts here and there but I’ve had more doubts and way too damned many night horrors since that day.” 

He took a deep breath before adding, “I have a holodeck session planned where I intend to recreate the Fort Tuthill recreational nature preserve outside of Flagstaff Arizona later today.  I had a lot of camping trips there growing up and it’s always been a place of serenity as well as relaxation for me.  I’d never doubted that until recently but I figured it’d be worth a try.” 

Qetax nodded, “I know the Battle of Betazed was hard. The physic discharge of Betazoid dying, that’s hard even for non-empathic species. Having a strong negative reaction to war, or a battle is not a reason to question your sanity though. I would be more concerned if you had no reaction, if you simple went on as if nothing was wrong.”

”I went to the Academy on Earth, but I was never at Arizonia tell me about it, and this Fort Tuthill. Did you grow up in Arizona?” Qetax hoped that her questions would get him thinking deeper about this place that had once been a source of relaxation for him, and maybe could be again. 

“The Knights were out in the middle of the fight.  We saw other Federation starships explode at close range.  Other fighters at various distances.  The last starship I served on destroyed within sensor range and at the edge of line of site.  Three of my former flight killed while I was trying to escort them to safety.  One was a good friend….The other was my former CO and….” Ming trailed off.  

He wondered if he should continue.  The skullduggery was eating at him which answered the question nanoseconds before he found himself continuing, “She was my lover for almost a year.   My wingman from the Knights and another of my former flight got severe radiation poisoning from either a new Dominion tactic or a damned unlucky shot that exploded in close proximity to both fighters.  The only saving graces were that nobody else was hurt, our wounded pilots should make a full…or nearly full…recovery, and the one member of Ranger Flight able to fly was my former wingman.  That was a bit more up close and personal than most other folks had to experience on the Denver.”    

Ming paused for a deep breath with a slow exhale.  He actually smiled a little as he went on, “New Berlin, Luna was my home growing up.  My father taught at National Taiwan University two days per week then at Nothern Arizona University two to three days a week.  The northern third of the state is rather high altitude for the region and mostly evergreens with certain areas having birch and aspen trees.   The southern two thirds are desert and reside a few thousand feet below the northern third.  Saguaros, Barrel Cacti and Prickly Pear cacti.  The fruits from the last has a sweet but tart flavor to it that I grew to love…Once I learned to peel the skin off which had small thorns on giving the cactus it’s name.  The paddles of that one are also edible if you shave off the thorns too.   I often struck out on my own to learn more about the history of the surrounding areas.   History was a love I learned to appreciate thanks to my father.  Some of that included some of the survival techniques of the ancient residents of much of the surrounding areas as well.”

Ming wrapped up the tale, “There was a recreational area not far from Northern Arizona University which started off as a United States Army training and rec area hence the name.  Toward the end of the 20th century / early 21st century it was turned over to the local government to administrate as a park and campground.  By the time I got to the Academy I’d found that I enjoyed camping at that camping area and did so when I could.  I had a lot of fun there and it was also quite relaxing to me.  If I needed to destress and have sort of an emotional reset that as a go to.  Has been ever since.”

The joined trill nodded, “Life can be, and Is, filled with pain. I have memories of enough lifetimes to know that even during a quiet and uncomplicated life there are moments of stress and loss. I have buried husbands and wives, and it never hurts less. To go through as much as you have in a short time, well I would not blame you for curling up and feeling defeated by life.”

”Yet here you are, one of life’s survivors. I can’t promise an end to your pain, but I will listen and try to bear what I can. Do you have memories of your friends or your former CO you wish to share,” Qetax asked.

“Ranger 2 I didn’t really know.  He transferred in when I was being transferred to the Denver to take command of the Knights.  Ranger 3 was also pretty new only having been there a little over two weeks before I left.   Ranger 4 was fun.  She was the first to buy rounds, jump into a fight, and was Ranger 1’s primary wing mate.  Günther, Knight 5, was a fantastic wingman.  Eager to do the right thing and was able to keep up with my erratic flight style,” Marcus started off.    

After a pause he went on, “I’m hoping Ranger 4 and Knight 5 will make full recoveries from the radiation exposure. They were being transferred to Starfleet Medical on Earth for treatment so I am hopeful.  They’re both damned good pilots and even better people.” 

Ming’s face reflected the worry and sadness as he went on.  Grief took over his facial features as he continued still, “The wing leader of the Rangers and I were quite close for a good while.  It’s technically a violation of protocol but we were lovers for a while.  Fighter pilots aren’t known to have the longest lifespans as a general rule so we figured it wouldn’t likely matter either which way.  Our physical and romantic relationship went on hiatus about a month before I transferred to the Denver. Apparently that is when she put me in for a promotion and recommended me for my own command.  She felt that my growth as a Starfleet Officer was paramount and she felt I was ready for the next step. To go through all that only to watch her die less than a year later has been difficult to process.  She was one of my closest friends ever I’ve come to realize.” 

The pilot did manage a small smile as he added, “The only remotely positive part was that Ensign Abara, formerly Ranger 5, is now Knight 5.  He was my wingman in the Rangers and has taken over as my wingman in the Knights.”

The life of a fighter pilot was clearly more dangerous than that of a Counselor. Emimi Qetax felt a twinge of guilt listening to the loss that her patient had experienced when she herself had lived a fairly comfortable and safe existence. Even her past lives, or rather Qetax’s past lives, had been much more sedate and orderly.

”I imagine your wingman is someone you end up quite close to,” Emimi observed, “Someone you trust and value, possibly over most others. I’m glad you feel that you have someone in your corner. It’s important to realize no matter how hard things get, you’ve always got people who value you.”

Marcus nodded agreement.  He recognized much of the wording as psychiatrist / psychologist tools but that’s why he was here.  He realized, at almost the same instant, that he was feeling dangerously close to being burnt out.  That was why he had plans for the holodeck excursion.   

He replied, “Of all things if someone told me when I left the academy that be in a war such as we’re in someday I’d likely call them a liar.  I’d never imagined the possibility of the sheer magnitude of death going on out there.   Just the losses of the Battle of Betazoid is staggering.  Seeing the numbers is horrific enough.  To have seen it was exponentially worse.   Everything leading up to it desensitized me somewhat but it was still astonishing.” 

After a pause, Ming said, “If it wasn’t for those in my flight and ground crew…and the crew of the Denver…I’d be much worse off.  Most of the time I am too busy or too distracted to think of things like that which makes it a bit easier to manage too.  We all have our coping mechanisms I suppose.”

Qetax nodded, “That is almost always universally true. The mind is resilient and finds a way to survive in the short term. Perhaps not all coping mechanisms are healthy in the long term, but hopefully we will all have a chance for healthy self-reflection after the war. I have seen a few wars, and the after math is always a time for healing. Nabin Qetax was a witness to the war with the Romulans long ago, I remember afterwards it was a hard time.”

It was tricky balancing memories of various previous hosts, and taking ownership of them and yet allowing for Emimi herself to have a place. She smiled, hoping that this was a comforting thing to have said.

Marcus nodded and opened his mouth to speak when his combadge did a double chirp.  The pilot sighed and said, “And that’s my reminder that it’s time for my next appointment.  I would like to pick up at a later time however.  Care to send me your schedule openings starting at few days out?

“Of course, and if I’m not with another patient I’m always open to talking,” Qetax picked up a PADD and loaded her schedule, forwarding it to the other officer, “My schedule is also publicly posted along with the other counselors to make things easier.”

She smiled, hopefully she was some help. Marcus fixed Emimi with a fairly high megawatt smile before saying, “Thank you.  I’ll be sure to take advantage of that.  I suspect we’ll be talking again before too long.  Until then I hope you’ve got fair skys and the wind at your back as was often said by pilots of old.” 

He gave the councilor a friendly nod of thanks before heading out of the office.  No rest for the weary. 

Qetax watched him go and then settled in on the couch to do some reading of some journals she was behind on.